literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
