Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just want to make out with him forever
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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