Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
smell my finger.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
