My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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