I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You can't special order awesome
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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