My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
