no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I had to cum in my sink.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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