just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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