Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
