You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
