When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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