Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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