Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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