so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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