i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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