Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
