The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize