I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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