I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
