so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
