its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
