I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
