More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
