remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
