Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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