A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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