And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize