I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
