If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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