Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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