i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
