I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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