Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize