I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize