I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
