Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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