just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
