Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
