his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
