I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
