I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize