why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
