Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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