I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
