The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
