Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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