I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
