i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
