the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
