I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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