you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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