yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
