Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
