Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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