No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
