He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
