do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
