I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
