I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize