Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
